ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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