dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
