Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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