I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
