How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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