well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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