here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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