Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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