Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
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