dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
