Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
