Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My vagina just clenched in fear
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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