Everything about him screamed your future.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
