I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
