If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
