My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize