Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
