Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
