Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just threw up on my dentist
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
