I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
