life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
