o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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