I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Blood and glitter go together right?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
