Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
