She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.