I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.