Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs