i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.