I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
