I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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