I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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