oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
