the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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