you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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