First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
