Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Pooping to opera.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
