Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
