i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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