my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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