I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
