Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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