You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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