If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
