I love black thongs
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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