I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
40s are totally the cure
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
