Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
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Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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