Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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