You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm gonna fight the coyote