So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
