I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up