i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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