I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
