So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
