So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
