I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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