I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
