Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
mondays should just be called national damage control day
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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