I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
