I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
