dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
you traded sex for a burrito?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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