I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
