Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
