I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
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In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you never un-have a 4some
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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